Just as expected

So far no good news. Looks like I'll be stuck here not knowing if we'll ever get off this fucking base for another 3 months. I can't stand it. I'm so close to breaking down, it's not even funny. My heart is just numb, I'm so depressed. ALL I FUCKING WANT IS TO MOVE. Why the hell does everyone act like it's so fucking easy to get picked for Korea?! Jeff has done it two times now, and NOTHING. Nothing. People get picked for it that don't want to go, he's fucking volunteering and we get nothing. My life is miserable. I just want to go home. I just want to hear some fucking good news for once. I'm always the one who's optimistic and hopeful and I MAKE things happen for me. But, ever since we've been here I can't make anything happen. I'm not in control of my life anymore, and I fucking hate it. So I have to be depressed, with no friends, very little help, hating everything about this place, not knowing when or if we'll ever fucking get to leave. It's so stupid. SO stupid. WHY NOT US?! PLEASE! Who the fuck do I have to talk to to get shit done? I'm so done with life. It just keeps fucking me over in every way possible. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of Internet Window Shopping for all the things I want to get for the kids for christmas but we can't afford anything. I'm tired of having no friends or anyone to talk to. I'm just sick and tired of it all. What's the fucking point?

Good luck, I need you now.

It's been a bit again, I'm slacking. So, tomorrow is the day Jeff could find out about Korea. I'm crossing my fingers/toes/arms/hands/legs/whatever I can possibly cross to get something good to happen finally. I really have no faith that it will happen though. I've just given up on hope, I'm not all excited thinking about it or anything. Just because of how shitty everything seems to be lately, I'm just stuck assuming nothing good will happen to us. Though we did find out tonight that as of tomorrow Jeff will be back on to day shift FINALLY. He's been on night shift for like a year almost I think. So I'm READY to be able to go out sometimes..not that I have anyone to go with but, it'd be nice to be able to do Christmas shopping.
So, maybe, because one good thing happened...more good things will start to happen. The next good thing that needs to happen is Jeff finding out he got picked for Korea. PLEASE. I'm a good person..don't I deserve something good to happen to me, finally?
I guess there is something good happening, along with day shift. We're also going to Nebraska for Christmas and New Years Eve it looks like. So I can't wait for that. But, it'd be so much nicer going back for a visit...knowing that soon I'll be back there permanently. Instead of the pain and heartbreak I feel everytime I end up having to come back to Tucson from there. So..I'm hoping and wishing with all of my heart that Jeff goes to work tomorrow morning, and has an email saying YES you're going to Korea. That's all I can do. Is hope..and mope. I just had to get that out...because I hate knowing that tomorrow we could hear nothing, and know we probably didn't get it AGAIN, and have to wait 3 months to try to do it AGAIN. :( Please, PLEASE. Have this happen.

Hopefully this will be my new home soon
http://www.afcommunities.com/new.shtml

Happy Birthday Gavin!

Today is my son's 3rd birthday! I can't believe it's been 3 years already, it's crazy. Aah. We ended up having our birthday party for him on the 6th instead of the 13th, since Jeff remembered, oops, he has to work on the 13th. Ugh. So it was just me, Jeff, and the kids. I'm sad that it was so different from his first two birthdays...he doesn't care, but still it hurts me and is just another reminder that we know no one pretty much and that I have no friends. We'll have been here for 2 years in March, and I have no friends. That sucks.
I think I've written in here before already about how Jeff's put in for a short tour to Korea...I guess we won't know if he got it until November 17th. Every day and night I pray, wish on stars, wish at 11:11 am AND pm, WHATEVER little stuff I can possibly do just to hope this comes true. I want him to get Korea SO BAD, because I just want to move. I just want to go home. I'm so unbelievably depressed here. I know I've said that before too, but...I really hate it. And I have NO control over what happens, and it sucks...that's why all I can do is hope/wish/pray.
Everyday I go and look at the pictures of the base housing for Offutt AFB, in my hometown...just thinking about how badly I want to live there. I don't know why I do it to myself..I'm trying to keep hope alive, but right now I'm so down that I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. There's only like...6 spots open for Jeff's job/rank in Korea right now....for the whole air force. It just doesn't seem very likely to me. And this is the 2nd time he's put in for it in a row, they put in for it like every 3 or 4 months? That's when the new lists of available bases come out I guess. So...if we don't get it this time, then I guess we'll have to wait until February or March....And I'm starting to think it'll never happen. And we'll just be trapped here for forever. I cry everytime I think about that. I hate it. I hate being so sad. I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so depressed. I hate that it's come to this, but I need to get out. I need to get out of here. PLEASE! Someone get me out of here.

Whoops

Haven't written in a few days, sorry about that non-existent readers. But, happy halloween! Only about an hour left til trick or treating time with my little dragon, and my little fairy! Probably not gonna do a lot of trick or treating since they're still little, but at least up and down our street maybe. Gavin doesn't eat candy anyways, we've tried, but he won't. They say that his extreme pickiness is another autism trait. So I guess that explains why he won't touch anything pretty much, even junk food which most kids love! lol. And Sammie we haven't really tried to give her candy, we don't eat it much around here, and she's only 16 months old lol. But I'm sure we'll try to give her some tonight, and I know she'll love it, she enjoys chocolate haha.

Oh, and I haven't quit smoking yet...I know, I suck. I totally could have, but I just haven't. I like smoking, I hate that I like it. Very soon though. Very soon. Oh, we found out Jeff is going to be going TDY to cryogenics school from like November 28th til December 10th. Boo. I'll be here all alone for 2 weeks with the kids. Major suckage. But, my friend Jessi does live pretty close by and we haven't hung out in forever, it's kinda hard to when I babysit during the day, and then Jeff is at work and has the car at night so I can't really go anywhere ha. But I'll have the car while he's gone! Yay! So maybe that'll help me not go crazy.

I ordered Gavin's birthday presents the other day, I so can't wait for his birthday! 9 more days. And his party's on the 13th. I ordered his cake at the commissary yesterday. We got a few decorations. They didn't have much at Target, and PartyCity is all ONLYHALLOWEENCOSTUMES right now, so I guess I'll just have to go back next weekend when it's back to normal lol. I don't need much else, just balloons and streamers I think. I still don't know if we'll really have many people here for the party. I don't know anyone really, and there's a couple people I've been wanting to meet that live on base and are my friends on facebook, but I feel weird having the first place we meet being at my son's birthday party, I don't want them to feel like I'm only inviting them so they'll bring him presents, you know? I just want there to be people there. :( Not that he'll really know the difference I guess. Blah.

Gavin's a pretty spoiled little boy haha. He's getting the talking Buzz Lightyear and talking Woody from my parents, a workbench from Jeff's mom, and then we got him this Fisher Price cool school computer thing that seems pretty neat, a bucket of toy army men like from Toy Story, and then a Toy Story Book Collection, something new to read to him at bed, or any other time lol.

Christmas is less than 2 months away, aah! That's crazy!

But I think I'll end it there the kids should be waking up from naps soon, and only like..40 minutes til trick or treating now!! haha Have a happy and safe Halloween!

I wish it were November already.

So, another day closer to quitting smoking! I only smoked 3 cigarettes today, so that's pretty fantastic. I can't believe I was smoking almost a pack a day like a week ago. Major improvement. Tomorrow I might smoke a couple, but Saturday I will smoke 0. It should be a lot easier to completely be quit on a day when Jeff's home so hopefully I'll be less stressed and not alone with the kids. Finally we get paid tomorrow. Jeff gets paid, and I get paid for babysitting. Woooo. I think we might be going shopping Saturday to get some presents for Gavin's birthday, and decorations for his party. Even though it probably won't be til November 13th or 14th. I can't believe he'll be 3 on the 9th. Wow. He's going to have a Toy Story party, he just loves Toy Story right now, and has for a while lol. I think Toy Story 3 comes out on DVD on Tuesday, and I'm pretty excited to get it for him because I want to see it too! lol. I want to get the Toy Story 1 and 2 DVD's too, I only have Toy Story (the first one) recorded on the DVR in the living room from one of the Disney channels from like...months and months and months ago haha. So it has commercials in it and all that. Lame. So, I'm hoping to get all of the DVDs. But, we'll see.

I'm just rambling right now. Cause I'm kind of half paying attention to what I'm writing, while I'm trying to watch Private Practice. So, I think I'm going to finish this off now, and apologize for the lack of anything interesting in this blog! lol. Night all.

EDIT:

I almost forgot to add that today is me and Jeff's 4 year anniversary! Not our wedding anniversary, but 4 years ago from today we went on our first date. We went to eat at Romeo's, then we went back to my place (my parents house haha) and watched Just Friends, and then we went to see The Grudge 2 at the theater. And that's how it all began, 4 years ago. During that time we've gone through two pregnancies, two births, him going to basic training and tech school, we've called 5 places home, lived in two different states, had many fights, many makeup times, lots of laughs, lots of yelling, lots of love. A whole lot of stuff for 4 years. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Almost quit.

Welcome to Wednesday's blog! Still working on quitting smoking, and I've cut back even more today! And the few that I did smoke today were out of boredom, for the most part. I didn't find myself having headaches, or cravings, or anything really. I got a little anxious but that's it. So, tomorrow maybe I'll be completely quit. But, if not, then definitely Friday. I wish this week wasn't going so fucking slow. We get paid on Friday, and we're like broke. I think we have $10 in the bank. Fun. And I've had to dip into my money set aside for Christmas for the kids. :( I hate that. But I think we've only had to take like $20 out. And we're replacing it when we get paid on Friday.
Luckily, we did get accepted for the Heros at Home program that Sears offers for Military families. So, we're going to be getting a few gift cards for Sears/Kmart from them throughout the next few months, around christmas time. It's such an amazing program they have, and I'm very thankful for it.
It sucks to know how well we were doing with money for a while, and then everything fell apart...like, literally, everything was falling apart haha. Our car broke down, microwave broke, etc etc etc. All within like 2 weeks, and we just could not get caught up. Now we've got an almost $400 car payment on top of trying to catch up on other stuff. Blech.
But, anyways, that's about all I have to write about tonight I guess. I'm hoping to fall asleep soon so I can get a nice amount of sleep. Good night.

Another day

Just trying to get myself used to writing in this thing, so for now I'm writing every day, even if there really isn't much to talk about haha. So bare with me, all of my non-existent readers. So, I'm attempting to quit smoking. I've attempted quite a few times. It seems the only time I can just QUIT is when I'm pregnant, but there's no way in hell I'm getting pregnant anytime soon lol. So I'm just gonna have to use my own will power. I did pretty well today. I smoked, but nowhere near as many as I normally do. One step at a time. I'm hoping by tomorrow or Thursday to be completely quit. If not, then for sure by the end of the week. That's the goal. So, here's hoping I can do it. It's so hard for me, because I'm a boredom smoker, and a stress smoker. And it seems like lately if I'm not stressed, I'm bored, if I'm not bored, I'm stressed. Ugh.
On another note, I'm looking at going to college...again...finally. haha. I've tried a couple times before, without success. So, hopefully I'd be able to succeed this time. I just wish Jeff wasn't working this stupid schedule anymore, so I'd have more of an opportunity to go to an ACTUAL class, instead of online classes. I just work so much better in a classroom setting than I do online. Argh. I can't go during the day when Jeff is off, cause that's when I'm babysitting, and I can't stop babysitting, cause we really need the extra money right now. But, that's a whole other story. So for now, I think I'm going to get off of here and go to bed early so I'm maybe not as exhausted tomorrow. Night.

Autism

Today I had a speech evaluation for my son, Gavin. He'll be 3 on November 9th, and has yet to talk. He babbles all day long, but refuses to say any words. Because of this and other factors I noticed after reading online different warning signs of autism, my husband and I had begun to worry that Gavin might be autistic. Today, that was confirmed. For the most part anyways. The speech therapist said she's sure he has autism, but she doesn't have the ability to officially diagnose him, so she's referring us to see an occupational therapist, where they will do tests on him, to give the official diagnosis. It did hurt to have a professional confirm something you've worried about for your children. Because, you always want the best for your kids, you want them to be like a typical kid, and not have anything that could make their lives any more difficult than they need to be. It's hard, but it's not the worst thing that could happen. There are so many worse things that could be happening, I have to remember this is not the end of the world. Yes, I cried a bit when they told me, and a bit when I started to drive home from the appointment. But, life could be so much worse. And now we can do everything in our power to get him the help that he needs. I think one of my biggest fears though, is me and Jeff giving too much attention to Gavin, and not enough to our daughter Samantha, because I'm scared we're going to be focusing so much on helping him, that it takes away from Sam. I know we're going to do everything we can to make sure that doesn't happen, but I just get scared I guess. I always want my kids to feel they're getting equal amounts of attention, love, and help. I can't imagine life without either of them, and love them both so much, it kills me when I feel like I'm not giving them equal attention.
But anyways, I just wanted to update about Gavin, so that's all I think I've got for today.

random, weird.

I always find it weird when I get on facebook at 12:30 am, and see that my grandma is also online..and she lives in Oklahoma, so its like 2:30 am her time lol. What is she doing?!?

Random random random.

Jeff is bringing one of his friends from work to the airport in the morning cause he has to go to some training thing, and he's going to bring the kids with him, and they have to be at the airport at like 9. Which meaaannnsss...he's waking up early and I get to sleep in! In silence! Not attempt to sleep in, but hear the kids crying or whining and feel guilty that I'm not out there helping lol. ...not that I normally get help in the morning when the kids are crying and whining and Jeff's the one sleeping in. Oh, how nice it must be to be a dad sometimes haha. But I love my kids and wouldn't change a thing. :) ...except I'd prefer for us to be in Nebraska, but that's already a well known fact, since I am mooore than happy to always talk about it haha.

Ok, maybe now I'll go to bed.

Easy come, easy go.

I'm so ready to start babysitting again on Tuesday. It's been nice having just my two kids to spend time with, but we really need the extra $100 I get each week from babysitting, and she's really a good kid. Her and her family have been out of town on vacation for a couple of weeks, and I believe they get back this weekend, so I think I'll be babysitting again on Tuesday. I can't believe my son, Gavin, turns 3 in just 2 and a half weeks. We haven't gotten any of his presents yet, or decided when to have his party, or anything. Not that there will really be much of a party, probably just us and maybe one or two guys Jeff works with and their families. I'm happy Gavin's not old enough to really care about that stuff. I feel bad cause his first two birthdays we were in Nebraska (well we were visiting during his 2nd birthday) and had tons of people and a nice big party, all me and Jeff's families. Now, nothing close. Ugh. But, when I was at the grocery store today I went and looked at the book of different theme cakes near the bakery, and they had the cutest Toy Story one I'll probably be ordering for him! He'll love it. And he's so obsessed with wanting to blow out candles now, I might get trick candles so he can keep blowing them out lol. We'll see.

I'm just so ready for it to be December. Jeff is getting an early promotion, which is so amazing and well-deserved because my husband works amazingly hard at is job. He will sew on for Senior Airman on November 2nd, but it shouldn't show a change in his pay until the first paycheck in December, and he'll also be getting a bit extra money cause he hits his two year mark on November 3rd I believe. And apparently once you've been in the air force for 2 years you get paid more. I did not know that until recently, but am very happy to hear it. We definitely need the extra help, that's for sure. I'm hoping with that extra money we might finally be doing better than just surviving. That's the goal.

And, Jeff put in for an overseas short tour to Korea for a year, and we should find out if he got picked for that on November 3rd, the day after he sews on senior airman. I know a lot of people can't understand why I would want my husband to be away from us for a year, but if he gets chosen for that, you *normally* get to pick your follow-on base. I only say normally because the air force can never 150% promise you anything lol. And if that happened, me and the kids could move to Offutt AFB, which is located in Bellevue, Nebraska, where we're from and our families are, and hopefully we'd get that as our follow-on base and Jeff would just be able to go there when he's done with the short tour.

I'm really rambling a lot. I apologize. OH, Becker's going to be visiting me on November 24th - November 30th! I'm so excited, I can't wait to see her and have someone to hang out with! lol. And Jeff is trying to get that week off of work so me and Becker can actually go out and do stuff on some of the nights she's here instead of sit in the house and watch tv the entire time lol.

There's really nothing else too exciting in my life to talk about right now. Soooo...I guess that's it for today's update. Adios.

Where do I begin.

So I'm trying to start blogging again...let's see how well this goes, shall we? I'll begin with an introduction. My name's Melissa, and I'm 23. I currently live at Davis-Monthan AFB, Arizona, which is located in Tucson. I absolutely hate it. We moved here from Bellevue, Nebraska, which is where I wish I could be. I've been married to my husband, Jeff, who's in the air force, since December 21, 2007, and we've been together since October 28, 2006. We have two beautiful children, who mean the world to me. Their names are Gavin and Samantha. Gavin was born November 9, 2007, and Samantha was born June 21, 2009. They're the most beautiful and amazing children I've ever met, but I could be biased because they're mine lol. We've been in Arizona for a year and a half, and it just seems to keep getting worse. I wish I could be happy here, but I can't. I try, and I try, but I'm just not happy. We're trying everything we can to get out of here, so far no luck....I don't know what else to say about myself. I'm trying to teach myself to play guitar, but I'm not too good yet haha, which I guess is ok since I just started learning 4 days ago haha. I'm hoping to start taking some college classes soon, though I'm still not sure what I want to major in, but no matter what I major in I need to get my basics out of the way. Hmm..what else. Oh, my best friend's name is Becker. Well..that's her last name, but she's gone by that ever since I met her when I was in 10th grade lol. She's the best friend anyone could ask for. I can be brutally honest with her, and vice versa, and we never get pissed about it, and just know we want the best for each other even if we might not want to hear it at that time.

The only problem I currently have with writing a blog is that my life is so insanely boring, I don't have much to talk about haha. My biggest enjoyment in life (aside from being a mom and a wife and all that stuff) is watching tv. And I watch a lot of tv, it's seriously ridiculous. But Jeff works from 3 PM til 11 PM, and my kids go to bed at 7 PM, so I have 4 hours that I'm by myself pretty much, and can't go anywhere, so I just drown myself in tv shows, and their lives, and stories, and dramas, and excitements. Something to keep my mind off of how much I hate where I live and how I feel like a lepper since nobody here wants to be my friend. I've never really had a problem with making friends, until I got here. I had a couple great friends, but now they've both moved away...and I'm still stuck here, with no one wanting to meet me. I've tried. I went to an Avon party recently just to get out and meet people, and when I posted on the online event invite that I'd be going and was nervous since I didn't know anyone, a bunch of girls were like "wooo! new people! can't wait to meet you! don't be nervous everyone is so welcoming!" I got there right when it started and there were only a few people there...I walked in and people turned towards me, and then went back to their conversations. Not a smile. Not a hello. Nothing. I don't even want to try to make friends anymore, because I just keep telling myself there's no point, since we'll be moving soon...though there's no proof that we're moving soon, it's just a hope I have to tell myself.

Ok...this ended up being a lot longer than I planned. But, that's going to be all for tonight, back to getting lost in my tv shows.