Just as expected

So far no good news. Looks like I'll be stuck here not knowing if we'll ever get off this fucking base for another 3 months. I can't stand it. I'm so close to breaking down, it's not even funny. My heart is just numb, I'm so depressed. ALL I FUCKING WANT IS TO MOVE. Why the hell does everyone act like it's so fucking easy to get picked for Korea?! Jeff has done it two times now, and NOTHING. Nothing. People get picked for it that don't want to go, he's fucking volunteering and we get nothing. My life is miserable. I just want to go home. I just want to hear some fucking good news for once. I'm always the one who's optimistic and hopeful and I MAKE things happen for me. But, ever since we've been here I can't make anything happen. I'm not in control of my life anymore, and I fucking hate it. So I have to be depressed, with no friends, very little help, hating everything about this place, not knowing when or if we'll ever fucking get to leave. It's so stupid. SO stupid. WHY NOT US?! PLEASE! Who the fuck do I have to talk to to get shit done? I'm so done with life. It just keeps fucking me over in every way possible. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of Internet Window Shopping for all the things I want to get for the kids for christmas but we can't afford anything. I'm tired of having no friends or anyone to talk to. I'm just sick and tired of it all. What's the fucking point?

Good luck, I need you now.

It's been a bit again, I'm slacking. So, tomorrow is the day Jeff could find out about Korea. I'm crossing my fingers/toes/arms/hands/legs/whatever I can possibly cross to get something good to happen finally. I really have no faith that it will happen though. I've just given up on hope, I'm not all excited thinking about it or anything. Just because of how shitty everything seems to be lately, I'm just stuck assuming nothing good will happen to us. Though we did find out tonight that as of tomorrow Jeff will be back on to day shift FINALLY. He's been on night shift for like a year almost I think. So I'm READY to be able to go out sometimes..not that I have anyone to go with but, it'd be nice to be able to do Christmas shopping.
So, maybe, because one good thing happened...more good things will start to happen. The next good thing that needs to happen is Jeff finding out he got picked for Korea. PLEASE. I'm a good person..don't I deserve something good to happen to me, finally?
I guess there is something good happening, along with day shift. We're also going to Nebraska for Christmas and New Years Eve it looks like. So I can't wait for that. But, it'd be so much nicer going back for a visit...knowing that soon I'll be back there permanently. Instead of the pain and heartbreak I feel everytime I end up having to come back to Tucson from there. So..I'm hoping and wishing with all of my heart that Jeff goes to work tomorrow morning, and has an email saying YES you're going to Korea. That's all I can do. Is hope..and mope. I just had to get that out...because I hate knowing that tomorrow we could hear nothing, and know we probably didn't get it AGAIN, and have to wait 3 months to try to do it AGAIN. :( Please, PLEASE. Have this happen.

Hopefully this will be my new home soon
http://www.afcommunities.com/new.shtml

Happy Birthday Gavin!

Today is my son's 3rd birthday! I can't believe it's been 3 years already, it's crazy. Aah. We ended up having our birthday party for him on the 6th instead of the 13th, since Jeff remembered, oops, he has to work on the 13th. Ugh. So it was just me, Jeff, and the kids. I'm sad that it was so different from his first two birthdays...he doesn't care, but still it hurts me and is just another reminder that we know no one pretty much and that I have no friends. We'll have been here for 2 years in March, and I have no friends. That sucks.
I think I've written in here before already about how Jeff's put in for a short tour to Korea...I guess we won't know if he got it until November 17th. Every day and night I pray, wish on stars, wish at 11:11 am AND pm, WHATEVER little stuff I can possibly do just to hope this comes true. I want him to get Korea SO BAD, because I just want to move. I just want to go home. I'm so unbelievably depressed here. I know I've said that before too, but...I really hate it. And I have NO control over what happens, and it sucks...that's why all I can do is hope/wish/pray.
Everyday I go and look at the pictures of the base housing for Offutt AFB, in my hometown...just thinking about how badly I want to live there. I don't know why I do it to myself..I'm trying to keep hope alive, but right now I'm so down that I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. There's only like...6 spots open for Jeff's job/rank in Korea right now....for the whole air force. It just doesn't seem very likely to me. And this is the 2nd time he's put in for it in a row, they put in for it like every 3 or 4 months? That's when the new lists of available bases come out I guess. So...if we don't get it this time, then I guess we'll have to wait until February or March....And I'm starting to think it'll never happen. And we'll just be trapped here for forever. I cry everytime I think about that. I hate it. I hate being so sad. I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so depressed. I hate that it's come to this, but I need to get out. I need to get out of here. PLEASE! Someone get me out of here.

Whoops

Haven't written in a few days, sorry about that non-existent readers. But, happy halloween! Only about an hour left til trick or treating time with my little dragon, and my little fairy! Probably not gonna do a lot of trick or treating since they're still little, but at least up and down our street maybe. Gavin doesn't eat candy anyways, we've tried, but he won't. They say that his extreme pickiness is another autism trait. So I guess that explains why he won't touch anything pretty much, even junk food which most kids love! lol. And Sammie we haven't really tried to give her candy, we don't eat it much around here, and she's only 16 months old lol. But I'm sure we'll try to give her some tonight, and I know she'll love it, she enjoys chocolate haha.

Oh, and I haven't quit smoking yet...I know, I suck. I totally could have, but I just haven't. I like smoking, I hate that I like it. Very soon though. Very soon. Oh, we found out Jeff is going to be going TDY to cryogenics school from like November 28th til December 10th. Boo. I'll be here all alone for 2 weeks with the kids. Major suckage. But, my friend Jessi does live pretty close by and we haven't hung out in forever, it's kinda hard to when I babysit during the day, and then Jeff is at work and has the car at night so I can't really go anywhere ha. But I'll have the car while he's gone! Yay! So maybe that'll help me not go crazy.

I ordered Gavin's birthday presents the other day, I so can't wait for his birthday! 9 more days. And his party's on the 13th. I ordered his cake at the commissary yesterday. We got a few decorations. They didn't have much at Target, and PartyCity is all ONLYHALLOWEENCOSTUMES right now, so I guess I'll just have to go back next weekend when it's back to normal lol. I don't need much else, just balloons and streamers I think. I still don't know if we'll really have many people here for the party. I don't know anyone really, and there's a couple people I've been wanting to meet that live on base and are my friends on facebook, but I feel weird having the first place we meet being at my son's birthday party, I don't want them to feel like I'm only inviting them so they'll bring him presents, you know? I just want there to be people there. :( Not that he'll really know the difference I guess. Blah.

Gavin's a pretty spoiled little boy haha. He's getting the talking Buzz Lightyear and talking Woody from my parents, a workbench from Jeff's mom, and then we got him this Fisher Price cool school computer thing that seems pretty neat, a bucket of toy army men like from Toy Story, and then a Toy Story Book Collection, something new to read to him at bed, or any other time lol.

Christmas is less than 2 months away, aah! That's crazy!

But I think I'll end it there the kids should be waking up from naps soon, and only like..40 minutes til trick or treating now!! haha Have a happy and safe Halloween!

I wish it were November already.

So, another day closer to quitting smoking! I only smoked 3 cigarettes today, so that's pretty fantastic. I can't believe I was smoking almost a pack a day like a week ago. Major improvement. Tomorrow I might smoke a couple, but Saturday I will smoke 0. It should be a lot easier to completely be quit on a day when Jeff's home so hopefully I'll be less stressed and not alone with the kids. Finally we get paid tomorrow. Jeff gets paid, and I get paid for babysitting. Woooo. I think we might be going shopping Saturday to get some presents for Gavin's birthday, and decorations for his party. Even though it probably won't be til November 13th or 14th. I can't believe he'll be 3 on the 9th. Wow. He's going to have a Toy Story party, he just loves Toy Story right now, and has for a while lol. I think Toy Story 3 comes out on DVD on Tuesday, and I'm pretty excited to get it for him because I want to see it too! lol. I want to get the Toy Story 1 and 2 DVD's too, I only have Toy Story (the first one) recorded on the DVR in the living room from one of the Disney channels from like...months and months and months ago haha. So it has commercials in it and all that. Lame. So, I'm hoping to get all of the DVDs. But, we'll see.

I'm just rambling right now. Cause I'm kind of half paying attention to what I'm writing, while I'm trying to watch Private Practice. So, I think I'm going to finish this off now, and apologize for the lack of anything interesting in this blog! lol. Night all.

EDIT:

I almost forgot to add that today is me and Jeff's 4 year anniversary! Not our wedding anniversary, but 4 years ago from today we went on our first date. We went to eat at Romeo's, then we went back to my place (my parents house haha) and watched Just Friends, and then we went to see The Grudge 2 at the theater. And that's how it all began, 4 years ago. During that time we've gone through two pregnancies, two births, him going to basic training and tech school, we've called 5 places home, lived in two different states, had many fights, many makeup times, lots of laughs, lots of yelling, lots of love. A whole lot of stuff for 4 years. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Almost quit.

Welcome to Wednesday's blog! Still working on quitting smoking, and I've cut back even more today! And the few that I did smoke today were out of boredom, for the most part. I didn't find myself having headaches, or cravings, or anything really. I got a little anxious but that's it. So, tomorrow maybe I'll be completely quit. But, if not, then definitely Friday. I wish this week wasn't going so fucking slow. We get paid on Friday, and we're like broke. I think we have $10 in the bank. Fun. And I've had to dip into my money set aside for Christmas for the kids. :( I hate that. But I think we've only had to take like $20 out. And we're replacing it when we get paid on Friday.
Luckily, we did get accepted for the Heros at Home program that Sears offers for Military families. So, we're going to be getting a few gift cards for Sears/Kmart from them throughout the next few months, around christmas time. It's such an amazing program they have, and I'm very thankful for it.
It sucks to know how well we were doing with money for a while, and then everything fell apart...like, literally, everything was falling apart haha. Our car broke down, microwave broke, etc etc etc. All within like 2 weeks, and we just could not get caught up. Now we've got an almost $400 car payment on top of trying to catch up on other stuff. Blech.
But, anyways, that's about all I have to write about tonight I guess. I'm hoping to fall asleep soon so I can get a nice amount of sleep. Good night.

Another day

Just trying to get myself used to writing in this thing, so for now I'm writing every day, even if there really isn't much to talk about haha. So bare with me, all of my non-existent readers. So, I'm attempting to quit smoking. I've attempted quite a few times. It seems the only time I can just QUIT is when I'm pregnant, but there's no way in hell I'm getting pregnant anytime soon lol. So I'm just gonna have to use my own will power. I did pretty well today. I smoked, but nowhere near as many as I normally do. One step at a time. I'm hoping by tomorrow or Thursday to be completely quit. If not, then for sure by the end of the week. That's the goal. So, here's hoping I can do it. It's so hard for me, because I'm a boredom smoker, and a stress smoker. And it seems like lately if I'm not stressed, I'm bored, if I'm not bored, I'm stressed. Ugh.
On another note, I'm looking at going to college...again...finally. haha. I've tried a couple times before, without success. So, hopefully I'd be able to succeed this time. I just wish Jeff wasn't working this stupid schedule anymore, so I'd have more of an opportunity to go to an ACTUAL class, instead of online classes. I just work so much better in a classroom setting than I do online. Argh. I can't go during the day when Jeff is off, cause that's when I'm babysitting, and I can't stop babysitting, cause we really need the extra money right now. But, that's a whole other story. So for now, I think I'm going to get off of here and go to bed early so I'm maybe not as exhausted tomorrow. Night.