Just as expected

So far no good news. Looks like I'll be stuck here not knowing if we'll ever get off this fucking base for another 3 months. I can't stand it. I'm so close to breaking down, it's not even funny. My heart is just numb, I'm so depressed. ALL I FUCKING WANT IS TO MOVE. Why the hell does everyone act like it's so fucking easy to get picked for Korea?! Jeff has done it two times now, and NOTHING. Nothing. People get picked for it that don't want to go, he's fucking volunteering and we get nothing. My life is miserable. I just want to go home. I just want to hear some fucking good news for once. I'm always the one who's optimistic and hopeful and I MAKE things happen for me. But, ever since we've been here I can't make anything happen. I'm not in control of my life anymore, and I fucking hate it. So I have to be depressed, with no friends, very little help, hating everything about this place, not knowing when or if we'll ever fucking get to leave. It's so stupid. SO stupid. WHY NOT US?! PLEASE! Who the fuck do I have to talk to to get shit done? I'm so done with life. It just keeps fucking me over in every way possible. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of Internet Window Shopping for all the things I want to get for the kids for christmas but we can't afford anything. I'm tired of having no friends or anyone to talk to. I'm just sick and tired of it all. What's the fucking point?

Good luck, I need you now.

It's been a bit again, I'm slacking. So, tomorrow is the day Jeff could find out about Korea. I'm crossing my fingers/toes/arms/hands/legs/whatever I can possibly cross to get something good to happen finally. I really have no faith that it will happen though. I've just given up on hope, I'm not all excited thinking about it or anything. Just because of how shitty everything seems to be lately, I'm just stuck assuming nothing good will happen to us. Though we did find out tonight that as of tomorrow Jeff will be back on to day shift FINALLY. He's been on night shift for like a year almost I think. So I'm READY to be able to go out sometimes..not that I have anyone to go with but, it'd be nice to be able to do Christmas shopping.
So, maybe, because one good thing happened...more good things will start to happen. The next good thing that needs to happen is Jeff finding out he got picked for Korea. PLEASE. I'm a good person..don't I deserve something good to happen to me, finally?
I guess there is something good happening, along with day shift. We're also going to Nebraska for Christmas and New Years Eve it looks like. So I can't wait for that. But, it'd be so much nicer going back for a visit...knowing that soon I'll be back there permanently. Instead of the pain and heartbreak I feel everytime I end up having to come back to Tucson from there. So..I'm hoping and wishing with all of my heart that Jeff goes to work tomorrow morning, and has an email saying YES you're going to Korea. That's all I can do. Is hope..and mope. I just had to get that out...because I hate knowing that tomorrow we could hear nothing, and know we probably didn't get it AGAIN, and have to wait 3 months to try to do it AGAIN. :( Please, PLEASE. Have this happen.

Hopefully this will be my new home soon
http://www.afcommunities.com/new.shtml

Happy Birthday Gavin!

Today is my son's 3rd birthday! I can't believe it's been 3 years already, it's crazy. Aah. We ended up having our birthday party for him on the 6th instead of the 13th, since Jeff remembered, oops, he has to work on the 13th. Ugh. So it was just me, Jeff, and the kids. I'm sad that it was so different from his first two birthdays...he doesn't care, but still it hurts me and is just another reminder that we know no one pretty much and that I have no friends. We'll have been here for 2 years in March, and I have no friends. That sucks.
I think I've written in here before already about how Jeff's put in for a short tour to Korea...I guess we won't know if he got it until November 17th. Every day and night I pray, wish on stars, wish at 11:11 am AND pm, WHATEVER little stuff I can possibly do just to hope this comes true. I want him to get Korea SO BAD, because I just want to move. I just want to go home. I'm so unbelievably depressed here. I know I've said that before too, but...I really hate it. And I have NO control over what happens, and it sucks...that's why all I can do is hope/wish/pray.
Everyday I go and look at the pictures of the base housing for Offutt AFB, in my hometown...just thinking about how badly I want to live there. I don't know why I do it to myself..I'm trying to keep hope alive, but right now I'm so down that I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. There's only like...6 spots open for Jeff's job/rank in Korea right now....for the whole air force. It just doesn't seem very likely to me. And this is the 2nd time he's put in for it in a row, they put in for it like every 3 or 4 months? That's when the new lists of available bases come out I guess. So...if we don't get it this time, then I guess we'll have to wait until February or March....And I'm starting to think it'll never happen. And we'll just be trapped here for forever. I cry everytime I think about that. I hate it. I hate being so sad. I hate feeling so alone. I hate being so depressed. I hate that it's come to this, but I need to get out. I need to get out of here. PLEASE! Someone get me out of here.